Snow is everywhere. Guess we've gotten at least 7 or 8 inches. There are fifty pictures in my camera to prove it. It's beautiful and debilitating at the same time. Today, out of frustration with four-wheelers riding through our front yard, I decided to make my own snow girl.
She's only two feet tall. I finished just before dark and now I find myself walking by and turning on the outside lights to check on her. Made her hair out of dried hydranga blooms and pigtails out of dried pampus grass plums. Used dried apricots for her face and flowers from my vase for her buttons. She is doing fine but there is a funny kind of protectiveness that comes over you when you create something, at least for me it is. I want her to make it through until the thaw comes, and it will come.
Lately, I've had some serious concerns for my book. Maybe you don't know. I don't talk about it much. I'm reluctant to speak of it cause sometimes folks don't take you too seriously when you say you're a writer. Sometimes you get a nod or a raised- eyebrow nod,
but the truth is, if I am anything, I am a writer. ( Don't worry. This isn't a plug to buy my book.)
My concerns are giving me a real work out. You see, I truly have great trust in God's ability to make all things work together for my good because I am called according to His purpose . That's part of His word and I firmly believe it. But in all honesty, I am in the fight of my life to keep my faith from being tainted with fear, doubt and defeat. Moment by moment there is a need to reaffirm everything I know to be true. I was given the basic idea and almost all the main characters, names included, one day as I sat in my home. Grabbing a composition book, writing the main premise for the novel came to me and it's overall theme was amazing.
I believed in it from the start. But now, it's finished and the editing process and rewriting has started but it's so, not heading where I thought it would. The book is the same. The inspiration is the same but I think I may be scared it will never come to print.
Chances are I'm writing this just to help me put into words what a fight is going on inside of me. A couple of days ago I rewrote a great number of pages...crying over it the entire time. I love my story and completely believe that others will, too. But if you could hear what I hear in my mind at any given moment. It's a fight. It's a battle. It's hard. It's scary.
What I do know is that anything worth this much of anyone's life is worth fighting for. I find myself recommitting my work to the One who I believe gave me the inspiration in the first place. I'm learning to stay alert to what brings me down and what is true and what is not. I'm learning that my timing is not the final word and that to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not to my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledging Him and He will direct my paths" is not a simple walk in the park. It's a battle.
So pardon me while I wipe away a few more tears of weariness, honestly. The promise is, "They that wait upon the Lord, will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." Is.40:31
I guess I failed to read the part about waiting..mounting up...running.... and walking. It's not just about renewal and not being weary and not fainting. It's about the living it and then the promises take place.
So here's to waiting and remaining hopeful for His timing. Here's to not expecting to dodge the weariness, the need for renewal. I need Him to bring me all that I need to make it through this and I know He will. He's not just checking in to see how I'm doing...He is always at work making sure I make it and it's His final product that will be perfect...not mine. He is God and I am not.
As for my snow girl....I'm still checking on her.
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